Monkey-Barring and the Fear of Letting Go

This week we’re talking about a dating pattern many people feel but struggle to name. Monkey-barring. When someone never fully lets go of one connection before securing the next.

It’s not always intentional, but it often leaves one person stuck in uncertainty while the other keeps their options open. This edition explores why it’s happening more now and how to recognize it early, before it drains your time and emotional energy.

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— The Kay Reports Team

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There’s a new dating term making the rounds, especially among Gen Z: monkey-barring.

It describes people who keep one relationship going while quietly lining up the next. They don’t leave until they feel safely attached somewhere else. Think overlapping situationships, emotional backups, or “just friends” who aren’t really just friends.

On the surface, it can look harmless. They’re still texting you. Still showing up. Still saying the right things.

But something always feels… off.

They avoid labels. They hesitate to commit. They keep options open “just in case.” And you’re left feeling like you’re part of a rotation, not a choice.

Takeaway: If someone can’t be fully present with you without keeping a safety net elsewhere, that’s not caution. That’s emotional avoidance.

— The Kay Reports Team

🇺🇸 USA: According to USA Today, monkey-barring is becoming more common among younger daters who grew up with dating apps, endless choice, and a fear of being alone without options. Many say it feels safer to overlap connections than risk a clean break.

🇬🇧 UK: Relationship counselors in the UK report similar patterns. People delay endings while emotionally investing elsewhere, calling it “keeping options open,” but often leaving one person emotionally stranded.

🇮🇳 India: Dating coaches note a rise in situationships where people avoid exclusivity but still expect emotional loyalty. The overlap creates confusion, resentment, and mismatched expectations.

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“I always felt like something was missing, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He was kind, consistent enough, and always said he cared. But there was distance I couldn’t cross.

Later I found out he’d been talking to someone else the entire time. Not cheating, technically. Just keeping her warm. When I confronted him, he said, ‘I didn’t know what I wanted yet.’

That was the moment I realized I wasn’t being chosen. I was being held.”

Lesson: Someone unsure of what they want should not get exclusive access to your time, emotions, or energy.

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Why Monkey-Barring Feels So Common Now

Monkey-barring thrives in modern dating because of a few quiet shifts:

• Dating apps make alternatives feel endless
• People fear loneliness more than misalignment
• Commitment feels risky in uncertain times
• Emotional exits are delayed to avoid discomfort

USA Today points out that many people don’t see monkey-barring as harmful. They see it as self-protection.

But the impact is real.

It creates imbalance. One person stays emotionally invested while the other keeps one foot out the door.

If you’re asking: “Is monkey-barring a red flag?”
Experts say yes, especially when it replaces honest communication.

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You don’t need exclusivity on day one.
But you do deserve clarity.

If someone avoids defining the relationship, keeps former flings close, or gets defensive when you ask where things are going, pause. Ask direct questions. Watch actions more than reassurances.

People who are ready don’t hedge their feelings.

Take this Free training by Sam McKenna on Cold Emails that get more replies: https://get.apollo.io/0xr80nqqysz6-tgct6c

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Monkey-barring isn’t always about bad intentions. Often it’s fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of choosing wrong. Fear of starting over.

But relationships can’t grow when someone refuses to let go of the branch behind them.

You deserve to be chosen without competition you never agreed to.